Life, Today

I do not write as much as I would like too and am definitely not on here as much as I would like to be. The last two years I have dealt with health problems on top of the custody battle for my daughter.

I have decided to blog about the health issues and since it is main focused on my health and that journey I am using a different web blog. I will leave here for everything else.

For those that follow me I hope all is well!

Duck Duck Goose

When I was first in treatment for drug addiction I described life like a merry go round. Fast, so very fast and I needed it to slow down. Someone told me to get a new nursery rhyme and said Duck Duck Goose. I have never forgotten that, even after over a decade. I have looked for it, aimed for it, occasionally settled for the slower merry go round but it always leads me back to active addiction, chaos, anger, depression, anxiety, and loosing everything I hold dear.

In the last two years I have lost quite a few people I love to addiction overdose, suicide, and health issues that took their life. I saw an image and thought of how peaceful it was…and you.

© Daniel Schoenen / ImageBROKER / Offset

It was this pristine peaceful looking lake that is like a slice of heaven for me. That is what you did for me, gave me that peace and serene feeling when we talked and laughed. I felt loved and at peace when we talked. There was always respect even when you were being silly with me. I have had many close friends however this feeling is not one that I felt often over the years.

I miss you, I cannot express how much I miss you and wish I could talk to you and tell you about this (and so many other things). I have found Duck Duck Goose and did not even realize it. I found it in you, my family and children, some of my very close friends that I am blessed to still have in my life today, and in finding companionship again. True, unconditional, accepting that has no limits and expects nothing but myself. I know you are looking down at me smiling going “she is getting it” in your loving, kind way.

I did not tell you how I felt about you and I regret that with a pain that is deep but I have learned from it. I have many people in my life today that love me, and I love them. You taught me wonderful lessons about life and are still doing it after your death.

Here is a link for more images of Seealpsee, Switzerland it is beautiful and so peaceful looking. It sums you up so eloquently. Thank you for being in my life and showing me what it is like to have harmony. Today I can see it when it shows in my life. Be safe up there and run with Heidi and Nae Nae for me.

Image credits: Featured, by Facebook; Top, by Bing

Till Abuse Do Us Part

I recently read a post on my Facebook feed from someone about their survival of Domestic Violence and getting out. They talked of the sadness of losing their marriage but gratefulness to be out of it. I often wonder how many women and men feel this way, besides myself and my Facebook friend, about the ending of a toxic relationship. Especially one where there is such mental, emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical torment going on.

I was my ex-husbands high school sweetheart. We married in our 30’s because I had chosen to stay in the toxic domestic violence I was in with my biological family. They told me it was him or them and I chose them at that point. I was his second wife and that first marriage took a toll on him as well as bringing two children into my life. I often wonder if things would have been different if I had chosen to stay with him in those early years; he was not such a cold hearted person at the time but a dedicated, loving man that loved me. But I digress…

I watched this behaviour growing up and always vowed my children would never watch me be abused nor be subject to abuse.

When we married, I knew it was for the wrong reasons. I saw red flags weeks, and the night before the wedding. I see it now clear as day-then I wonder what exactly I was thinking. Following through with the wedding, and eventual marriage, has taught me some hard-won lessons. When the psychological abuse did not work on me it became physical.

Pinterest

Unfortunately for myself, but lucky for him, in the state I live in women are men’s property in marriage and just short of murder they can get away with anything. At the time of my then initial divorce proceedings it had become law where a husband could be charged with assault, but that was it. No charges were brought against him because I was perceived as “the vindictive wife” in the divorce. Almost 15 years later women still have very little protection from their abusive husbands in this state.

After years of counseling and domestic violence support help, I have learned that he did what he knew. I do not blame him for his actions to the point where he knew where help was and refused it. That is where it fell to me to get out and for a long time I did not. I kept repeating the vicious cycle of abuse. When I realized I was retaliating I knew it was time to end our marriage. The two kids he had brought into the marriage and one we had were witnessing all of this.

Wow Parenting

I watched this behaviour growing up and always vowed my children would never watch me be abused nor be subject to abuse. I fell into the trap of repeating what I knew. I also vowed that the abuse cycle would end with me. That meant letting him go, no matter how much I loved him. I will always love him on some level; but I will not accept being treated so shabbily nor allowing myself to turn into such a terrible person that I am retaliating in front of our kids. Those kids are adults today and only one speaks to me. It is completely understandable that the other one does not. We had a good relationship, but I was not so innocent in the end and she saw things she never should have.

All this history has come full circle for me because I now have a young daughter that I do not want to see go through what I did. Learning boundaries as an adult and thinking it is acceptable to be treated with disrespect by men. I knew when I let go of my marriage that I could no longer do anything for my ex-husband. All I could do was apologize for my part and not repeat the same mistakes I made with him.

Pinterest

Having a daughter to raise has given me the insight into how I should be treated. I will not allow my daughter to be disrespected or mistreated and it has taken me her entire lifetime so far to put those standards to myself. Baby steps is what I have been told…because I am hard on myself for what I allow into my life.

This past custody fight for my daughter is teaching me that it does not matter what others think; only my children and myself. Other people are going to think what they want regardless of what the truth really is, so I need to just focus on being mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and physically healthy. This allows me to see the red flags, act (or lack thereof) on them, and not stay in unhealthy situations.

Letting go of a dream of what life is supposed to be like with that person, because staying means being abused and perhaps becoming someone that I do not respect, is hard to do. I do not blame my ex-husband for his actions, nor really his parents for being that sort of example. I know what his grandparent’s relationship was like and it was similarly toxic. I know myself at that time I was not a mentally, emotionally, or physically healthy person to be involved with.

I grew up in Domestic Violence and codependency and they no longer work for me, whereas it does for others. Today when I think of my ex-husband, I hope he is doing well and living a happy life. He was my best friend for many years and I still have fond memories of us together.

Image credits: Featured, by Getty/Indian Express; Top, by Pinterest, Middle, by Wow Parenting; Bottom, by Pinterest

Yule At My House

I am slowly getting into the holiday season. It has taken some doing since I was expecting Lil One to be a part of this process this year. It has been quite a blow learning that the GAL’s issues with me is his personal issue with my Faith. He has pushed her to be involved in another faith and denied her birthright due to his personal bias. He’s also kept me from seeing her.

I am not buying the bullshit they are selling…

I never knew that getting my mental health back on track and keeping it there, progressing in my recovery, which includes being active in outpatient treatment, and staying physically safe and healthy would be looked at in such a negative light by DCYF. From what I have gathered that is doing whatever I want and not considering my child’s needs at all. Hmmm, taking care of myself so I can care for my child. Yeah, ok; bye Felicia.

I am not buying the bullshit they are selling and no amount telling me I am being selfish is going to make me think otherwise. I fell for that last time and here we are again because I did not take proper care of my mental health and my recovery.

Anyways, it took a big slap for me to get out of the trap of victim thinking but now I am so Yule is in full swing at my house.

I have been listening to this playlist so I thought I would share it.
Lori Younglove

The decorative heater is finally here. It is not as tall as I had hoped but it is pretty and warms the room quicker than my house heater. The house one is not ideally placed to warm the front room.

With this standing still fireplace I do not need the heat on to have the flame going either. I have a few rugs I need to move around the house but then I will have a rug over there too. I am absolutely thrilled to have a fireplace again. Someday the real thing again.

The painting will be straightened. I have to find my hammer.

I still have more decorations to hang. The lights for the green tree are not here yet and the white tree is Lil One’s. She likes it staying up year-round so it does.

I am going to start decorating a tree every year in honor of Heidi and Renae. It is the green tree.

Miss Heidi/Mrs. Claus

Heidi was Mrs. Claus and her collar was Jingle Bells year-round for us.

I am absolutely thrilled to have a fireplace again.

Renae was always gracious with me during this holiday and wore these kitty christmassy outfits. I can only find these pictures. It only lasted about 5 minutes but she was our Yule Elf.

Miss Izzy has a green sweater I got her for Yule but she will take off all of her other outfits and bring her pink sweater to me. I am going to have to replace the pink one soon.

Izzy

I hope everyone has started their season of Holidays off well and are in fully swing to decorating, good treats, and warm coziness with their loved ones.

Image credits: Featured, by A Celtic Yule Blessing; Rest, by Lori Younglove

Writers are artists that paint beautiful paintings with words, on canvas’ called paper. They use a paintbrush called a pen and paint called ink.

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